The podcast on Relationship Before Horsemanship is full of great information if you have an hour, we highly recommend listening to it.
If you don’t have the time to listen, then here is another way to think about it – the Emotional Bank Account.
In human relationships, John & Julie Gottman are leaders in the field of human relationships. They can tell just by watching a 5 minute video of a couple interacting within an 85% accuracy, whether the couple will be divorced in 5 years (or something like that – you get that they know what they are talking about).
They explain that one of the main things they use to come up with that prediction is observing what they call “Bids For Connection”. A bid for connection is an attempt at, or an offer to, connect with the other person. There are ways that you can respond to those bids. The Gottmans use the terms Turning Toward, Turning Away, or Turning Against.
An example might be a couple outside together and the man says “Boy it’s a beautiful day today”.
That is a bid for connection.
If his partner turned to him and said “Yes, what a lovely day”, that would be Turning Towards, or in other words, an acceptance of that small bid for connection.
If his his partner kind of grunted and shrugged her shoulders in response to his bid, that would be Turning Away, or a rejection of his bid for connection.
If his partner said “Don’t be stupid, that breeze is kinds chilly (or there’s too many flies, or it’s too hot), that is a Turning Against, and a direct sabotage of his bid for connection. According to the Gottmans, this is the relationship killer. They say there needs to be 10 Turning Towards to make up for every incident of Turning Against, to repair the damage caused.
Essentially, when you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account. When. you turn away from your partner, you are making a withdrawal. When you turn against, we can only assume that the withdrawal is larger. Just like a real bank account, you would like to have a healthy balance and not a zero or negative balance. The Emotional Bank Account grows when partners make more deposits than withdrawals.
The Gottmans explain when the Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn, partners tend to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected or even lonely.
When the Emotional Bank Account has a positive balance, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt during conflict. They keep their relationship in the positive perspective.
We also have an Emotional Bank Account with our horse partner. Those who end up practicing this Attuned Horsemanship sometimes end up questioning whether or not we should be riding horses, and the Emotional Bank Account ends up being a great mental tool to use with yourself if you ever start questioning something to do with your horse.
Are you making more deposits than withdrawals? Are you never Turning Against? Are you considering your horse as part of this relationship vs. just a tool? These are the things to consider.
Go out and do whatever you have been doing with your horse today.
A reminder how to use this course: click on Mark Complete below and you will go on to Day 3 tomorrow.